The Telephone Calls.

We all talk about 'phone calls — but what if it did?

The Telephone Calls

"Oo is it?"

"Telephone call for you Madam, I am the Royal Telephone Exchange."

"Jus' a secon, oi'll open the door an'.... there! 'ello young man, a telephone call?"

"This is 271553"

"Is it?"

"Oh yes, do you want Caller Identification?"

"Wasssat?"

"Caller Identification is the facility whereby the identity of the caller is disclosed prior to accepting the call."

"Eh?"

"Look, do you want to know who it is calling you?"

"Yes."

"Caller Identity is 665212"

"Er, so 'oo's that when 'e's at 'ome?"

""'oo's that when 'e's at...", ah! Is Madam requesting Subscriber Directory Lookup?"

"Wasssat?"

"Subscriber Directory Lookup is the facility where..by... Madam, do you want to given the name of a subscriber from the telephone number?"

"Yes."

"Which is the telephone number you wish to look up?"

"You know, that one you jus' tol' me."

"Do you mean 665212?"

"Fink so."

"Subscriber number 665212 is Mrs Doris Goodwin of 43, the Drive, Upper..."

"Thass Doris!"

"...High Street... Oh, you know the caller. Do you wish to accept the call?"

"But she's 'ere!"

"Who is here?"

"Doris."

"Do you mean the Mrs Doris Goodwin, subscriber number 665212 is here?"

"Yes."

"On the premises?"

"Yes."

"I wish people wouldn't do that."

"What?"

"Place a call and then visit the person they're calling before I've had time to establish the connection."

"But she sed she telephoned me months ago, she sed she wondered what 'ad 'append to the call she did."

"This call was placed on the 17th of April at 10 08am."

"'s October!"

"I'm sorry Madam, lines are extremely busy, there's only one of me and the horse gets tired."

"'Orse?"

"Horse Madam, yes."

"Wassee for?"

"The Horse, Madam, pulls the telecommunications van which in turn contains the telephone."

"THE telephone?"

"Yes Madam, the telephone."

"'ow many telephones you got then?"

"One."

"Jus' one?"

"Yes."

"So 'ow do two people talk then?"

"Not just two people, at this moment there are seventy three telephone conversations in progress."

"Must be noisy, 'ow do they 'ear what everyone's sayin'?"

"Only one person speaks, or listens, at a time. Each part of the message is stored and I take the telephone to the recipient as soon as I can. Important calls from the Palace or the Civil Service take precedence of course."

"I s'pose they would. Is that why it takes 'arf a year to get to me?"

"I'm afraid so Madam. Will you take the call?"

"But she's 'ere now, I don't need no telephone to talk to 'er. Wassa point?"

"The point is Madam that you might wish to hear what she said to you when she placed the call."

"Is that still in the telephone then?"

"Yes"

"'Ow much will it cost me to listen?"

"Nothing Madam, the caller pays the fee."

"Oh well, if Doris 'as already paid It'd be a pity to waste it."

"The caller has not actually paid anything yet Madam. The charge is payable only on a call that is answered."

"So if I answer the telephone Doris will 'ave to pay fer it?"

"That's right Madam."

"But not if I don't"

"No Madam."

"Oh well then, she can 'ardly get by on 'er pension as 'tis."

"Do I infer that Madan will not be answering this call?"

"No I don' fink so."

"Very good Madam, er, Madam?"

"Yes."

"Am I to understand that the caller is on the premises?"

"Doris?"

"Mrs Doris Goodwin, yes."

"Yes."

"Well Madam, this is most irregular but I am supposed to return to her home and appraise her of the lack of response which, as she is not there, will be a fruitless journey and it will have to be repeated until she is. Would you be so kind as to inform her of this in my stead?"

"Eh?"

"Will you tell Doris that you didn't answer?"

"Oh yes, 'course I will."

"Thank you Madam."

"Thass alright."

"Goodbye Madam."

"Oh, bye-bye then, mind 'ow you go."

...

"Doris, DORIS. You'll never guess 'oo that was I were talkin' to but I didn' answer so i'ss alright you won' 'ave ter pay 'cos I didn' listen and I didn' say nuffin'."

Derek Moody 1999